Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
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[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
My typo game is string.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this