My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
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My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius