I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
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Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD