Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
You Might Also Like
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
felt that
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer