[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.