It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
58.