It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
shit just got real
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.