The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

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[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?


Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar


I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed


I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.


Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.


“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”


“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”


What do we want?


When do we want it?



Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.


I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it