[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it