The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom