Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You Might Also Like
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
broke down and did it
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.