Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈