Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
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Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them