Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
That’s amazing.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.