murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”