[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
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Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
early stone age tool
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm