Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
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Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My background check bounced.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.