Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
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The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.