“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
You Might Also Like
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.