@peterjames48

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

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@BadaBinge

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

@HughGoesThere

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

@AnniemuMary

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

@YourMomsucksTho

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

@JohnFugelsang

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

@PaperWash

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

@BobGolen

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.