@peterjames48

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

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@garrettn

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

@iamvkhil2

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

@CAshmanActor

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

@silent_musings

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

@Fred_Delicious

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

@lloydrang

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

@Arroia

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

@roastmalone_

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

@brakco

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

@Jest_Iris

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation