“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

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Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’


me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?


her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?


My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.


[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*


I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.


Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.


Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry


I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.


the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation