@BadaBinge My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
@peterjames48 “I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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@BadaBinge 
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
@HughGoesThere [leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
@AnniemuMary If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
@YourMomsucksTho Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
@JohnFugelsang I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
@imgur Optional boss fight.
@PaperWash Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
@BobGolen When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
@MooseAllain Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.