Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.