I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*