“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
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I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.