What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
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Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.