Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
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The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours