Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
You Might Also Like
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose