never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
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My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
“That’s what” – She
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Dietest Coke
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”