You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
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Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I have obtained a hat
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Warm pools make me nervous.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.