You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
The French cow says MEUX…
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
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If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter