You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
You Might Also Like
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Put this video in the Louvre
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel