@JessicaFancy

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

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@AllanForsyth

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

@thecassiecao

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

@msred1973

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

@samalmightysam

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

@DatManGood

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

@DocBrown21

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.