You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

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Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.


uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there


My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.


What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.


My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.


My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”


Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.