Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
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Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
i’m still crying at this
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Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes