[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
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*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
i actually laughed 😩
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December