*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
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Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
ME (calling my horse with no name):
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Still my favourite meme.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.