Foo fighters still fighting foo.
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day