I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here