*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
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Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing: