When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes