Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Aight bet
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.