You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I am a gravy boat captain
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*