Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
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Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
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Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.