Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
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Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
what the
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991