I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
You Might Also Like
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.