I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute