Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
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*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.