Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
You Might Also Like
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Bike is short for Bichael.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!