Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Every work call, he judges.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.