Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Namaste
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably