If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
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One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
A tragic love story in two pictures.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Kids: Stay in school.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.