One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
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isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
The human personality is made of five key elements
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.