One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Ha.
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ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now