if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]