– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.