I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
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Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I just love that new Pope smell.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Oh yeah that’s it
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*