today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
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We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The pen is writier than the sword.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!