I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
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Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.