Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
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Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war