I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
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Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks