me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith