The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time