If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
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Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?